Over the past decade, I never understand how in my personal time viewing pornography would effect anyone. I thought that as long as what was in my head stayed in my head, that no one would get hurt. But the truth of it is that this lustful behavior kills love, it destroys relations and breaks up families. It happened to me so settle that when the storm passed and my marriage, my kids, my friends, my home, everything was gone. When it was gone, it was too late for me to do anything. There was no apology, rehab, repentance, jail time or anything that I could do that would allow me to return to my old life. But just like any serious storm that comes through town, there is always devastation that it left in it's path.
Let me share with you a part of what I wrote for a counseling assignment. The assignment was called "Life Script Questionnaire" and there were 34 questions about my past that I had to answer honestly. Here is the answer to one of the questions that talks about the devastation that the storm caused in my life.
Q: Discuss marital or significant other relationships.
A: Wow, I could talk about my wife all day (back then she was still my wife and from now on I will refer to her as my best friend 'BF'). She and I were the best of friends from the moment we met. We did everything together and never wanted to be apart. We could talk for our about nothing, or be together for hours and no say a thing and that would be okay. We were there for each other. We loved to tease and joke with each other, we called each other all the time, even after 12 years of marriage. But the marriage wasn't perfect, there was a thorn stuck in it that we tried to ignore, we tried to fight it, hell - we even tried to join with it and it was my addiction to pornography. This became an issue about 10 years ago. I recently found an email where my BF had sent me (the first of many) asking me to stop going to porn because she was right there next to me any time I wanted. I would tell her I was sorry, I would cry and beg her for anther chance, and as the amazing and loving wife she was, she always did. Please don't think that I was intentionally lying to her, I was done with porn, I was never going to go back and watch it again - I was done.
Then a few weeks would go by, life would be great, I would be strong and I able to resist those temptations to go to my dark place. I was doing good. Weeks turned into months, my strengths would slowly blow away, like the leafs off a tree during the fall. Then something would happen in my life that I wasn't prepared for and I would feel huge amounts of stress, I would be depressed, and feeling like a failure and the next thing I knew, I was back in front of my computer or on my phone, falling hard and lading right back where I fought so hard to escape.
This type of cycle would repeat throughout my marriage. Every year or two it would happen again, and what this did to my lovely, perfect, sweet wife I will never be able to forgive myself. When a spouse or partner goes to porn or chooses porn before or instead of his/her loving companion, they start to think there is something wrong with themselves. I am too fat, I am too short, I am not good enough for him, I don't look like those women and I never will, what is wrong with me? Why does he not see me? Why does he not desire me? What did I do wrong? Soon she starts to to believe, not just think that there is something wrong with her. She will start to doubt herself, her ability to make sound decisions, she will believe that there was something wrong herself and she caused her man to turn elsewhere. My BF used to be so bold, and so confident that she could take on the world without breaking a sweat, and now...she is broken. She feels like she has failed me, that she should have done more, tried harder or done something else.
This is what my addiction did to my my best friend... Today, after 12 years of marriage, we are now divorced and trying to figure out how to live lives that neither one of us ever planned on and how I am going to be spending the rest of my life. All of this because of the actions and behaviors that I allowed myself to do - all because of the effects that pornography had on my brain. No, all because of the effects that I allowed pornography to have on my brain.
I have lost my best friend, my wife and my four precious kids - I can't even talk to them right now. My BF has been left alone to raise four kids, one with a terminal illness while trying to balance a full time job.
So ask yourself, is it worth it to you? Does my story sound familiar to you? If so, now is your chance to make a change. Because I promise you that it will destroy those you love the most, it will break them, hurt them, it will take away their sense of value and worth, it will tear apart their happiness and hope.
I thought that I wasn't hurting anyone. What I didn't in my own time behind closed doors was only going to effect me. The truth is, you can't hide it. Those you love will know that the spirit is missing, and the smiles are hiding the lies. Listen to the still small voice, He loves you and wants you to be happy. #sundaywillcome #hope #faithful #courage#changishard #vulnerable #brave#thereishope #pornkillslove #porndestroys#beforeitstoolate #stillsmallvoice
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